The Disease: Chapter Two- The Story
Hope you like it!
Stranger: The story starts about a year ago on June 30th 2009....
Stranger: Doctor Blake Hoover had just moved into town in the old abandoned mansion that used to belong to the Knacks.
Me: Yes I know about Doctor Hoover and how everyone thought she was a bit strange with the red eyes and all. Stranger: Well did you know that I was engaged to her? Or ummmm.... I don't know... Maybe the fact that she gave us the disease that turned us into these freaks of nature and she is planning to do it to more people just like us!? Oh and maybe the part that the place we are in right now is her basement!!!! His voice escalated as he got angrier and angrier...
Me: Woah, woah, woah... Hold on just a minute... Your Lee Lender? The most elligable bachelor in town after you dumped the doctor... Wow this town must have low standards...
Lee: Hey! I didn't use to look like this and you left out the most important thing in your rant right there
Me: what?
Lee: My dissappearance.... Oh I don't know about a week after I broke up with the physcopath upstairs...
Me: Okay.... I'm getting confused now, can you just take it from where you left off...
Lee: I will continue the story but I'll skip past the boring part.
Lee: Ok so... I was extremely happy back then. Correction, Blake and I were very happy or at least I thought so...
Lee: After our engagement something snapped and she started to unravel as I watched. Suddenly she was not the Blake that I fell in love with, she was a different woman who would freak out when there was nothing wrong...
Lee: She would yell at me saying that everyone in town was better looking than her and higher up on the social ladder than her and she said that she would get revenge on everyone who fell into those two categories. She said that everyone except for me and all people who she looked better than and considered herself to be better than. Me for a different reason than others. Me because she loved me...
Lee: Shortly after she started telling me this crap, I broke up with her. I just couldn't take it anymore. She had gone insane and I just couldn't love her anymore. That's what got me to where I am today... Standing here, trapped in the basement with you and soon the rest of the townpeople that she feels need to pay.
Me: Well that still doesn't explain how we got this way!Lee: I know! I was getting to that part.... I wasn't finished yet and if you would just shutup I could finish!
Me: Ok, ok Mr. Pushypants...
Lee: Mr. Pushypants? he said with a grin slowly spreading across his face
Me: I'm sorry! I'm not very creative when it comes to insulting people by calling them names! Would you just continue the story please...
Lee: After the breakup she became even more crazy and more obsessed with getting revenge on everyone who was better than her in one way or another. She started making different concoctions that would have different effects on the people she used them on. Then she discovered this terrible horrible disease that makes us look like this! The only other thing that she had to do was set it loose and give herself the antidote. People with the disease started dropping dead and she realized that she had to perfect it to make sure she could get the revenge she was looking for...
Lee: Soon she was able to perfect the disease so that it would not kill people off but keep them alive looking like this so that she could keep them in this room down here and observe their behavior. The only problem with this disease was that she had to administer it to people herself and she couldn't just put it out into the atmosphere. The reason why was because she couldn't find an antidote and if she caught it she would suffer like the rest of us..
Lee: She started by luring me into her basement and administering the disease to me. The next thing I knew I was waking up in here. Then the same thing happend to you. THE END. Me: Not much of an ending I thought stories were supposed to have a happy ending...
Lee: Maybe there will be one... Eventually
Before I could reply, Lee was on the ground, gasping for air... Me: Lee!!!! Please don't die! But it was too late to do anything... Lee was dead and I was all alone in this place...
So... What do you think??? Please comment, good or bad. I want to know how to improve....
This story was amazing. It was a great addition to the first chapter!
ReplyDeletei woved it halliozzzzzzz
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Luved it!
ReplyDeleteDon't be offended, but you are doing a lot of things wrong to make it a hit. Don't start crying, this will make your stories GOOD and POPULAR.
ReplyDeleteOk, first, read some tutorials to make your pictures a higher quality. There are many out there, and this does you jutsice. It won't take long to learn- I didn't me.
Next, to make it appear more proffesional by doing, not much, instead of-
Lee- Hi
Me- Oh, hi Lee.
Write-
"Hi" Lee whispered, staring at the floor
"Oh, hi, Lee," I muttered in reply, equally nervous. It makes you sound like a genious, intelligent author by doing not much*.
You have a unique, spooky, and eye-catching story line here, and with the right improvements it has the potential to become big.
Mae, Sim Story Improver. Write to=
forverjustended@yahoo.com for suggestions, reviews etc.
*Writing good, popular, half-decent stories requires a flair in literature, generally.
Honey bunch, my grammie's pork pie compares to your old folk tale- and my grammie's pork pie is good! Keep up the old bone-rattling writting on your fancy blog and my state will welcome you with flowers an' blackberry pie.
ReplyDeleteMae, I would be most happy for you to review mah work. You see, I have sent you emails with links. Hallio is a lucky chap to have a whole load of paragraphed suggestions from you. Are you still online honey boo boo?
Dearest Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI apreciate your email, but why did you want me to reply here? Goodness me have I been busy helping my nextdoor neighbour.
My review of your fabulous tales is posted in the comments. I've set it to private as prying eyes are teaming on the interent. SO GET SMART KIDS!
One thing I do not apreciate is being called "Honey bunch" and "honey boo boo". Please let this outrage halt before I end my services.
Also, please note to bill for my work has been sent to your credit card. 10p I believe for my asstiance?
Please excuse me, Hallio, for littering your comments with stupid letters to Jessica, but she made a point of telling me she didn't have an email adress and was intent on me replying here.
To make it back to you, I am advertising your story in a couple of places I can find, free of charge.
From, Mae.